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Grand Master Gene Perceval
Bullying
BY GRAND MASTER EUGENE PERCEVAL
The definition of a bully and or bullies.The repetitive, intentional hurting of one person or group by another person or group, where the relationship or altercations involves an imbalance of power.
The following information is designed to help parents and guardians who have children traveling to and from school, attending school and school functions. Important procedures in what you can do to help prevent your child from being bullied and continuous bullying.
First, lets look at a few things that may help you understand about the bully.
*The bully can be a singular person or a group, of either sex.
* Not in every situation, but in most, the female bully will be more verbal as the male will be morephysical.
* The bully is a dominant person, and most likely has personal problems stemming from childhood.
* The bully tends to have a high tolerance towards pain, and therefore punishment (physical or mental)may have little effect on them. The bully usually has apathy (lack of interest) for those he/she picks on.
* The bully feels that they are the center of the universe and tries to control those around them.
* The bully only understands a superior force or someone of authority.
* The bully tends to release their frustrations out on others.
* The bully will tease you, roughhouse with you, ridicule you, harass you, torment you, threaten you,and fight you.
Facts about bullying.
* Bullying impacts one in five children in the USA. Ages 12 through 18.
* Students who are subject to bullying usually will have lower school scores then those who are not.
* Many students who are bullied, don't tell their parents. Parents should look for signs of theirchild's changing behavior.
* When the parent or guardian becomes involved in having bullying corrected, almost 60 % stopped thebullying.
* The sixth grade in school is the highest abuse of bullying.
* More than a third of people go on to develop social anxiety and depression as a direct result of bullying.
* Almost a quarter of those bullied have had at some point suicidal thoughts.
* 62 % stated that they were bullied by a class mate.
* 64 % of students who have been bullied, don't report it.
Do bullies have low-esteem?
New research shows that most bullies actually have excellent self-esteem. Bullies usually have a sense of entitlement and superiority over others, and lack compassion, impulse control and social skills.
All forms of bullying are abusive.
Most children who encounter bullying in one form or another will be treated unkindly or aggressively. This can be accepted as part of the growing up process. What cannot be accepted, is the continuous bullying of a child without corrective measures being taken to correct the problem by an adult while under the care and supervision of others, such as teachers.
In most cases, the bully comes from an abused home, or have been bullied themselves. Sometimes they are children that are just out of control or may have poor social skills. Bullying, becomes a release of their own frustration, and possibly the enjoyment of watching or experiencing others suffer as well.
Caution for parents or guardians.
There are certain rules and laws that you must follow if and when you're interacting with a bully.
* As a parent or guardian of your child that is being bullied, do not approach or seek out the bully at any time.Should the bully be pointed out to you or if you know him/her, maintain your distance, and above all, do nothave a conversation with the bully. You should follow correct procedures that will have farbetter results. There are several rules as a parent or guardian of a child that must be followed who is beingbullied.
* Above all, do not gesture, verbally threaten, touch, shove, or strike the bully.
* If you are approached by the bully while alone, no matter what he/she says, listen to what the/she has to sayword for word, and say nothing in response, even though temped to do so. If possible, you should record theirconversation without them knowing.
* If by chance the bully should approach you, you may find yourself as a parent or guardian being goaded bythe bully, and that situation may become escalated. This could be the bullies defensive tactic, knowing that ifyou touch, threaten, grab, strike, or anything else relating to such, unless you have a witness, you could findyourself in serious unwanted trouble.
* Threatening or endangering a minor can result in the parents of the bully pressing charges against you. Thebully is a child and most likely under age, as far as the law is concerned, you are an adult and should know better and have more control.
* In most cases, contacting the parents by phone or in person about the bully, may give little or no results, andthe parents may be defensive in behalf of their child, The bully may also reverse the situation that he/she is the victim and shifts part or all the blame on to your child. The bully, knowing or overhearingthat their parent became defensive in their behalf, may encourage the bully to continue being abusive and/or aggressive. Bullies sometimes are very clever, and play the part as being the victim.
This is a must for a parent.
Even if your child has not yet been bullied, you should have a talk with your child and inform them that if in the future they are bullied, that they must immediately inform you of the situation. A child being picked on daily or weekly without being attended to, can have an effect on your child's overall outlook as well as their emotional behavior.
Look for some of the following signs of your child's behaviour as they may indicate that there may be a problem.
* Your child has lost interest in playing with others.
* Not eating as usual, picking at the food.
* Your child's marks in school might start to decline.
*Your child may find excuses for not wanting to go to school. At this point, your child may already have fear ofthe bully.
*Noticing your child is losing interests in their favorite activities.
Be aware of your child's behavior; if you see they are not the same as usual, have a talk with them, sometimes it is difficult for a child to admit or express they are being bullied.
Features that the child has no control over.
* Having body features such as: A large nose, ears, teeth, feet, being skinny, hefty or overweight, shorter, taller,smaller in stature, poor skin, blemishes, etc.
* Problems having a speech impediment, wearing glasses, being poor or rich, walking funny, going to the bathroom too much, clothes that don't fit in with the rest of the kids.
* Being of a different race, color, religion or ethnic background, different language or other things.
Things as a parent you may have little or no control over.
Not having many friends, selecting the wrong kind of friends, may be shy, may prefer to stay by themselves. Being younger than the rest.
Boosting the bullies bad ego.
The bully will take charge and control when he/she selects a victim, leaving the victim upset or hurt, and feeling that they may be the direct cause for being picked on.
Explain to your child that it isn't them.
If any of these reasons or similar reasons are why your child is being bullied, explain to your child it is not them: it is the bully that has the problem. These are typical everyday things that most kids experience. Most everybody is different in one way or another, it is the ones that stand out that are usually selected by the bully.
What you should do if a bully becomes physical with your child.
If you are a student or an adult, it is important that if a bully nudges you, pushes you, or shoves you onpurpose, do not react with any type of physical retaliation. If you physically react to the bully, the bully would be left with no choice but to save face in front of others and attempt to teach you a lesson. Once you retaliate with a physical attack, this becomes an indication you are willing to accept the bullies challenge which can easily accelerate into becoming a fist fight. Besides, the bully is mentally prepared to have an altercation with you,. You may be taken by surprise or not mentally prepared to fight.
You as an adult or the parent, and the bully lashes or attempt to lash out at you, protect yourself only in a defensive manner only. Do not attempt or indicate a striking position. And most of all, do not grab any part of the bullies garments or body parts.
This has nothing to do with a bully and your child. Just general information.
I am going to present a situation to you the reader. In your neighborhood, you are either walking or driving your vehicle, you see two boys or girls, one is on top of the other punching the face of the kid on bottom and is bleeding. The kid on the bottom cannot protect themselves, what would you do?
* Not get involved?
* Yell at them to stop.
* Call the police, knowing it may be too late.
* Become involved and pull the top kid away.
* What would you do?
What the victim of the bully would like to take place, but we all know it is not reality.
As a child victim of the bully, if he/she pushes or shoves you on to the ground, do not react or retaliate, if at all possible, get up and attempt to walk away while not leaving yourself vulnerable. Walking away is a sign that you do not want to have a confrontation with the bully. Maintain your composure and prevent from crying or showing any emotion. Asking the purpose for the push, leaves the bully to take charge. It is important that you show no signs of wanting or accepting a fight. Walking away leaves the bully left with only words, and by walking away shows the bully that you just took control of the situation. That may not always work all the time. Sometimes, if possible take it with a grain of salt and brush it off.
If the bully strikes, punches, or kicks, if at all possible, do not react with any type of attack. You can defend yourself, but do not follow through with any type of aggressive attack. Easier said than done though.
There are many mixed views on standing your ground and protecting your territory by fighting. These actions might convey to the bully that you are not easy pickings for the next time around. The other is to walk away and hoping the bully loses interest and moves on to find another easier pickings. Again, if there are friends with the bully, he/she will have to save face and challenge you.
Most of the time, the bully will not bother you if he/she is alone; the bully needs an audience of others for him/her to establish the pecking order of who's in control.
If your child needs any type of medical attention from a fight, keep records of any paper work and if visible take pictures. If your child gets a black eye, visible scars, bruises, scratches, swelling, etc. take pictures. Make use of the opportunity.
Two wrongs don't make it right.
Once you retaliate with a physical attack, this becomes an indication you are willing to accept the bullies challenge and can easily accelerate into becoming a fist fight where one of you could sustain physical injuries.
If you are on the school property, even if the bully started the fight, by you returning an aggressive attack, you now have become part of the problem. The result, will be no matter how you plead, it will be an automatic suspension from school as well as the bully. Returning back to school, nothing would have been gained and the process may still continue by the bully.
Does it help by complaining to a person of authority when a bully or a group of bullies are bothering you or becoming physically aggressive help towards you? This is a tough question to answer because each situation is different in so many ways. By not complaining, you may be at risk of continuous on going bullying problems which may result in someone being hurt or injured. By complaining to a superior, bullies may think of you as a tattle tail and you might lose face in front of others. By being a victim and complaining to a person of authority, you are not only helping yourself, but if handled correctly, you may bring attention to the bullies problem and helping them simultaneously. Then again, by complaining, it could be another excuse for the bully to find fault.
Your first major step in stopping the bully as a parent or guardian.
Most problems with bullying happens on your way to school, at school, or on the way home from school. It is suggested that if at all possible, take your child to school just before the bell rings, leaving little time for any confrontation from the bully. For a child to be on a school bus with a bully or bullies, with the only adult being the bus driver this is not good security for your child's protection. It is suggested that once the bullying becomes physical and frequently where it reaches a point where your child is afraid to take the school bus, you as a parent should request a school bus matron to be present and supervise the kids. The driver of the school bus has the responsibility to make sure that your child and other children arrive at school or home safely. I Suggest that you tell your child to sit as close to the bus driver as possible. If the bully is on the bus with his/her friends, most likely they will want to sit in the rear of the bus as to have less attention brought to themselves.
As a parent or guardian, you must keep records of everything from the onset.
As a parent or guardian, one of the best defenses you have against a bully, is documentation of each occurrence every time a bully starts with your child. When you feel things have gone far enough without improvement or showing signs of stopping, request a meeting with the person who is directly in charge of your child, such as your child's teacher or other school officials.
What to keep a record of.
Date, time, location, who was involved, witnesses, what happened, explain in detail.
Step one.
* When making your first call with the school, request a closed conference with the principle and any of yourchild's teachers that may have seen any bulling. Your child will know who they are.
* When asked the reason for the call, just mention the bulling of your child-do not elaborate at this time. The reason is not to have the first meeting with the bully and the parents present: that would be for a second meeting. Otherwise a confrontation may occur. This gives your child the freedom to speak freely without any intimidation or being called a liar by the bully.
* Provide any documentation you collected. It should be mention any effects from the bullying on your child and the family. Make sure to duplicate your copies beforehand and leave it with the school principle. The one thingthat you don't want to show or express is any hostility toward the bully or the bullies family. Do not make a statement to the principle about the bully or his/her parents as to be bias. That is up to the principle to make those decisions.
* Remain calm and be respectful, but express concern for your child's safety.
* If your child had to see a physician or a psychiatrist, present those records.
* Be well prepared, keep everything in order with your folder as you present your case.
* Give the school a reasonable amount of time to correct the matter. Usually 30 days is sufficient.
* Please understand that the school may have to keep certain things confidential depending on the situation.
Step two: A meeting with the bullying child and parents at the principles office.
This meeting will be much like the first. The Principle now knowing the facts presented previously, the principle will take charge and try to resolve the problem. The objective is to find out if the bully is truthful without pointing a finger or making an accusation. This could be the first time the bullyies parent becomes aware of the situation. Perhaps after this meeting bullying will hopefully stop.
Does the school have a bullying program already in place?
Bullying is a major problem throughout most of all schools. Programs have been set up to deal with bullying and help solve such problems.
School teachers or officials do not see the bullying occur.
If there are no results in stopping the bully or the bullying, this means that the teacher, teachers or bus driver are not seeing the problem of the bully picking on your child. There is a possibility that teachers have to remain outside of their classrooms in the hallway during changing of class periods.
Still no results, and the bullying continues.
Bullies are clever, they know where and when to do the bullying, especially after being brought into the limelight.
Step three: Things begin to get real serious at this point.
Further updated documentation will have to be presented. The principle of the school must be updated so they can be aware that the bullyiing still continues. A third meeting with the principle has to take place. The principle understands that he/she must become directly involved to solve the problem. It does not look good for the principle as the head of a school where bullying isn't being taken care of. If there is proof of the bullying, the principle has no choice but to take action. This may mean that the bully gets suspended from school for a period of time which will go on the bully's record. Prior to leaving the third meeting, the child being bullied as well as the parents must be satisfied that the problem should and will be resolved.
At the end of the third meeting, it should be stated by the parent/parents are holding the school responsible for the safety of their child.
No matter who bullies your child.
The bullying still continues including school activities.
Enough is enough, your child is stll being bullied, The final solution.
Everything that has taken place from the beginning to present has to be sent to the superintendent of schools in your district by registered mail, requesting a return signature that the mail was delivered. There is one thing that could be added with your package, a letter from your attorney, he/she will know exactly what to write.
I hope I helped somewhat, wishing you the best.
If you wished to help others with the bully problem, attend the PTA meetings and begin a program.
General information beyond.
The bully may be known throught the school as an aggressor to other students as well, and your child may be one of many. Some bullies no matter the consequences will remain bullying others.
It is important to the child to let them what is happening to them and that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Talking and being supportive with your child will help ease the pressure that he/she is/or has been experiencing.
Not mentioned prior.
Bathrooms are a haven for bullies because behind closed doors the victim can be trapped from leaving.
The school can switch classes and periods where the bully is not present with your child.
Passing each other in the hallways.
Keep away from stairwells.
When using the steps, use the handrail.
Be aware of gym locker rooms.
You should try to make the following changes, (parents work with your child on this).
If you see the bully at a distance, pretend that he/she is not there, but do not make it obvious that you are taking special notice. When you see the bully, your eyes must look as if it was just another person. Do not drop or roll your eyes. If the bully sees any changes, he/she will pickup on it. Be aware of your facial expressions, it must remain the same as before you noticed the bully. Be aware of your posture and movements. When you notice the bully, take a deep breath without being noticed and make sure your shoulders do not drop forward as to show submission,. Pull your shoulders back, and straighten your posture as to show you are confident in yourself. Don't overdue it.
* Do not show any attempt to turn away or walk away on purpose. Remain calm and continue doing what you have been doing.
* Make it a point not to talk about the bully from now on except to your family, not even your best friend. The bully is a topic you should eliminate completely from your thoughts. It could disrupt your sleeping habits.
* Change your way of thinking, every minute you think about the bully, is a minute of your day being unhappy.
* Try being more sociable by mixing with others, even if you have been pointed out by the bully as a (you select the name).
* Sometimes the friends you hang around with or have lunch with are considered different from the rest of the kids at school. Maintain your friendships, but keep it less obvious while at school.
* Try mixing and talking with others. In the beginning you may find some kids reluctant. Eventually things will change for you.
* Look at yourself in the mirror; are there any changes you can make to help you fit in more with the rest of the kids, such as changing your type of clothes or hair style?
* From now on, don't be glum or feel down about being bullied. Start smiling more, and you should look as if you don't have a problem in the world. Kids are attracted to those who look self confident and who are independent.
* Start saying hi when you see someone you know. By doing this over a period of time you are now opening the doors for others to enter into your world. Every day you should make it a point to smile more often, say hi and continue doing what you were normally doing, eventually all those smile's and hi's will start to pay off when the time comes for a conversation.
If at all possible, try not to be alone. Your friends most likely will not interfere with the bully for fear the bully will turn on them, but, your friends are witnesses of any actions the bully uses against you. Sometimes the shortest way home is not the safest.
If you are approached by the bully, do not stand with your arms folded in front of you or your hands on your hips. That is conveying a defensive, aggressive, or a defiant posture.
If you feel that a push or shove is possible, do not stand with your feet next to each other: place one foot further back from the other as to catch your balance more quickly.
If you have to wait, or walk, you should have a pre-planned "map" of where to go to be safe, or where to avoid the trap of the bully. Know where the teachers usually are or security guards. If there are any closed circuit ecurity cameras, know where they are placed. If you are physically attacked, these are the things that will help you, and proof of the bullying.
Being bullied other then physically
.I am going to be short on this subject for I know very little about it. It is cruel, and perhaps even worse than being physically bullied. This mostly has to do with girls. Girls can be mean and vicious when it comes time to slander another girl. This is because they can use cyberbully on the internet-phone and be anonymous in spreading rumors. The victim can suffer emotionally and psychologically, even up to the point of possible suicide.
1-800-273-8255 for help. This is a government help bullying number.
This may help you in writing about your bullying complaint on your child.
What is the complaint?
Parents names.
Address.
How to be reached. Phone number, home, cell, work. Email.
Your child's name:
Teachers,
Name of the bully.
What was the motive for the bullying? Race, religion, Physical appearance, etc.
Date of events. Day of each event. Time of each event.
Where did it take place?
Who else was involved?
Who was present and seen what happen?
Did any one of authority see or do anything?
Did your child complain to a person of authority?What was their reply?
If so, who was it?
Explain exactly what happen in the order in which it happened in detail.
As a parent, what effects or changes have you noticed in your child? Enclose any medical records, pictures.
If your child was absent from school, how many days?
I hope I helped somewhat, wishing you the best.